*1. If your life were a movie, what would the title be?*
I was thinking _It’s Not Easy Being Me: The M. Ellis Conroy Story_. But on second thoughts, that’s a bit too movie-of-the-week-ish, dontcha think?
Okay, howsabout _Being MacDara Conroy_? Too derivative, eh?
Oh well. Any suggestions are welcome. (Just don’t expect a production credit, ‘kay?)
*2. What songs would be on the soundtrack?*
This is a tough one. It would have to be at least a double CD, maybe even a box set. As such, to write out a full track-listing here would be far too time consuming. But suffice to say that no soundtrack of my life as a movie could go without those 80’s classics Danger Zone (Kenny Loggins rocks my socks), Maneater (gotsta have some Hall & Oates), Waiting For a Star to Fall (love that sax solo!), and of course, My Name is Luka (I live on the second floooooor!!). (Alternatively, I could just get a bunch of obscure underground rock bands to chip in some songs, with some incidental scoring by John Zorn to fill it out. The hipsters will love it, for sure.)
*3. Would it be a live-action film or animated? Why?*
I’m thinking live-action, but some stop-motion animation will be necessary to recreate my battle with that dastardly ED-209. You must remember that one — I ran down the stairs, it tripped trying to follow me, and I saved the world once again… What do you mean _that never happened_? Are you sure? That was _Robocop_? Oh.
*4. Casting: who would play you, members of your family, friends, etc?*
For the lucrative part of myself, I believe that not one, but _three_ actors would be necessary to convincingly essay my character throughout the various stages of my life: I’m thinking Philip Seymour Hoffman (early years), Jeff Bridges (middle years), and to cap it off, the great Gene Hackman. Meanwhile, all of my friends and family would be portrayed — in a tour-de-force, Oscar-worthy performance — by the incomperable Luis Guzman, utilising a variety of costumes, disguises and make-up effects. And John Malkovich will assume the role of my arch nemesis, Doctor Doom… wait, that wasn’t me either, was it? Darn.
*5. Describe the movie preview/trailer.*
The scene: a blank screen in almost total darkness, viewed from afar… a solitary figure, a male, enters the frame from the right, moving along the bottom of the screen, trailed by a spotlight as he walks… there is total silence apart from the echoing sound of his footsteps… the figure stops at the centre of the screen… a microphone appears before him… he taps it once, twice; the boom reverberates… he is carrying some papers; he lifts them up before the microphone, ruffles them in his hands, clears his throat…. he takes a deep breath…. and then…. the whole screen lights up to show the solitary figure on stage, dwarfed by the gigantic monochrome head-shot of me (yes, _me!_) on the screen behind him…. suddenly the camera crash-zooms in on the face of the solitary figure — it’s Gene Hackman, playing me! He gives a wry smile and says “Ladies and gentlemen, let the show begin”…
And that’s it. Don’t wanna give too much away, now; you know what trailers are like these days.